Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Blah...and The Bachelorette!

No "Mama Mondays" post this week,
as this mama has a big ol' fat case of the "blahs".
For starters, I did something to my upper back (either from over-doing the upper body barre workouts, picking up/carrying toddlers all day, and/or falling asleep on the couch in precarious positions every night).
It's making me feel like a gimpy, lazy, boring mom.
And for whatever reason, none of my children are listening to me this week.
Physically and emotionally (and for it only being Tuesday!),
I. Am. Drained.

On the bright side, my snarky mood has inspired me to instead share my Bachelorette first impressions with you while my children nap.

First off, if those idiots pick Kelly Kapowski Britt (ugh), I'm done.
(Not really, but you know what I mean.)

Contestants, in a nut shell:

The drunk, Ryan
(who apparently is Juan Pablo's Nikki's ex-boyfriend - say no more).
We should've played a drinking game each time he yelled "I'm horned up!" 
Maybe then we could've been as "white boy wasted" as he...which, along with telling a rape joke and slapping Kaitlyn's ass, ultimately got him booted off.
But his convo with "Chris Hanson" was quite possibly the best scene of the night (right behind him falling out of the pool yet sparing his beer)...even closed captioning couldn't decipher his drunken slurs. Dying!)

A crooning fart.
A blond Jimmy Fallon? Who seriously appears to always be inhaling a fart.
"Britt's amazinggggg....pffffffffftttttt."

A dentist in a cupcake.

A marmot.
(Or muscrat...heated debate between the huzz and I.  You be the judge.)

A "healer"...who:
a. resembles Jim Carey
b. are we gonna just pretend that he didn't have a black eye?!?
c. felt "energy" from Britt, compelling him to vote for her

Enter: this season's Kelsey wacko.

An "amateur sex coach"
...who pulled up in a hot tub car and happens to look like the spawn of Ian Ziering and a box of Ogalvie home perm.  P.S.  Doesn't being a sex coach imply that you're good at sex?  He really doesn't look like he's very good at sex.
Just, sayin'.

A poor man's Ryan Gosling.
(mixed with a touch of Macklemore.)

A Thor look-a-like.

A bunch of Mr. Potato Heads with English teeth.
Case in point, numero uno:

Confirmed: he was slugging red wine all night...and apparently swishing.
Talk to the cupcake dentist, buddy!

And a decent amount of seemingly genuine, sweet guys 
who, overall, appear to be there for the "right reasons."

Oh, and Chris Harrison on a triceratops...

Can't wait to see who they pick and get on with this season's mindless drama and ridiculousness!

Are you watching??
It's okay.  This might make you feel better if you're honest and admit that you do.


~images via People, morningafter.gawker.com, ABC, People, ABC, ABC, bustle.com, Hasbro.com, ABC & Eonline via twitter~

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